Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.