I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.