I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.