I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

That's bad luck: three on a midget. From "At The Circus

Women should be obscene, not heard.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.