He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.