No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.