I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

All geniuses die young.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.