I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

He thinks I look alike!