I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?