Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.