Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.