Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.