Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.