Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.