Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.