Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.