Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself