Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.