Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.