Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter.