Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.