Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.