Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy