Humor is reason gone mad.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.