When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.