If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.