Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Was that you or the duck?

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.