Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?