If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.