Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!