I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.