A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.