A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.