Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Time wounds all heels.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.