Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.