If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!