I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.