I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Any place I hang my head is home.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.