Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth"

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.