A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!