Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa