While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

I hope they bury me near a strait man

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.