While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.