While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.