My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

Blood's not thicker than money.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?