My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!