Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

He thinks I look alike!

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.