If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.