The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.