I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.