Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Go, and never darken my towels again

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.