I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Hello, I must be going.

I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.