If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Room service? Send up a larger room.