Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.