Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

The only real laughter comes from despair.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?