Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.