Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.