When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.