When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

You're only as young as the woman you feel.

If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.