Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

How would you like to feel the way she looks?

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.