If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.