[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Jail is no place for a young fellow. There's no advancement.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove