In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.