A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

I have an agreement with the houseflies. The flies don't practice law and I don't walk on the ceiling.

I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.