I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.