In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

Go, and never darken my towels again

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.