I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

I hope they bury me near a strait man

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.